


Hajime

by MJ5185



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: I Wish I Could Tell You it Doesn't Hurt, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kind of a sickfic, M/M, NOTHING BUT PAIN, One Shot, Pain, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-25 16:15:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30091773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MJ5185/pseuds/MJ5185
Summary: "Hajime," was the start of so many things for him. The start of temptation, the start of frustration, the start of heartache, the start of a lifetime's worth of joy. To Iwaizumi, nothing ever truly started for him until Oikawa brought it into existence.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 5





	Hajime

**Author's Note:**

> I only made this to hurt people. Myself included. Misery does indeed love company, so come with me and let's all be sad together.

"Hajime."

It's how it started. It's how it always started with them.

When they were both six and Iwaizumi was busy stacking legos as high as he could, Oikawa would tug on the bottom of his sleeve and whisper.

"Hajime."

Soft green eyes would find animated brown ones and Iwaizumi would forget the building blocks and let himself be pulled along the wild torrent of Oikawa's ideas.

When they were thirteen and talking about where to go for high school, Iwaizumi brought up the obvious powerhouse in their prefecture; Shiratorizawa. Only to be interrupted by a firm voice.

"Hajime."

Iwaizumi knew better than to argue with that tone of thunder and steel, especially when it was accompanied by molten brown eyes, lit with a passion Iwaizumi could only dream of.

And later, when their familiarity bred a different kind of feeling, it was that word, murmured in darkened rooms and behind tightly locked doors that held far too much power over both of them.

"Hajime."

Iwaizumi had heard his name uttered by the brunette in every way he could possibly imagine. He'd heard it spoken in the high pitched tones of adolescence. He'd heard it being shouted at the highest volume and bouncing off the hardwood of the gym floors. He'd heard it whispered feather light against his skin.

There was no emotion Iwaizumi hadn't heard his name in. He'd heard it angry and frustrated. Listless and heartbroken. He'd heard it in challenges. Spoken in pure joy. Blurted out in surprise. Iwaizumi had heard it all.

There were limits to his family name and the ever prickling 'Iwa-chan,' that had persisted long after they had outgrown it. Oikawa said 'Iwa-chan,' like it was a habit, a reflex. Something he had no control of, an extension of himself spoken into existence. His family name had its limits with the brunette.

But his given name was infinite. His given name was spoken with care. Like it was given to him for Oikawa and no one else. No matter how it was used, Iwaizumi knew the brunette had mulled it over, rolled it around in his head before carefully letting it fall from his lips. His given name was always filled with emotion, bad or good, there was always something behind the syllables.

The good obviously being when it was spoken in unbridled joy. Bubbling up out of Oikawa's chest and spoken through smiling lips. Those were the best moments. Ones that made Iwaizumi take a second, format it in his brain and carve into his memories, treasure it and shelter it from the storm of life.

Like the first time Oikawa had successfully done his jump serve. The first thing Iwaizumi always remembered was that it was hot. Sweat trickled in rivulets down his back, the steady breeze hardly enough to cool the both of them. Focusing on his own serve, Iwaizumi hadn't been paying attention until he'd heard the smack of the ball hitting a hand and the loudest gasp he could imagine.

"Hajime!"

Jumping, Iwaizumi whipped his head around and watched Oikawa stare at his hand before lifting his wide eyed gaze to his. Iwaizumi hadn't understood it at only eleven years old, but now he knew why his heart had thumped painfully in his chest back then at the look of such unimaginable joy in those brown eyes. It was the only time Oikawa had ever allowed him to see something before he was well on his way to perfecting it and Iwaizumi never wanted to forget it.

The bad was when the brunette's voice cracked on the syllables. Instead of lifting up and out of his lungs, it scratched and tore its way across his tongue, leaving scorched earth behind. Those were the worst moments. Ones that Iwaizumi could never seem to forget, no matter how hard he tried. It was like an image burned into the screen of old televisions. Captured and forever haunting.

Like the first time Oikawa left him for Argentina. The first thing that always brought the memory back for Iwaizumi was the falling of the cherry blossoms every April. The light pink petals drifted everywhere, a colorful snowfall that would have been a sight worth seeing, if Iwaizumi hadn't had to stare at it on his way back from the airport, unable to hear the car radio over the last word Oikawa had said to him before boarding, offering Iwaizumi a small wave.

"Hajime."

Iwaizumi shouldn't have been able to hear it, not with how far away he already was. But he saw Oikawa's lips move, shaping the word that Iwaizumi would recognize anywhere, in any fashion. He saw the dried tear tracks marring the perfect face and somehow, his lightly swollen brown eyes made him look unrealistically beautiful under the terrible fluorescent lighting of the airport. And now with every wayward pink petal, Iwaizumi saw his best friend's tear stained face.

The pain of watching him leave was almost worth the joy of seeing him again. Every time they met at the airport, no matter which country, they were home. They found their home in each other. They made a home in each other.

Being around Oikawa for as long as he could remember shaped Iwaizumi. It played a big part in making him who he was today and the same could be said for the brunette. It wasn't even about their careers, though a small part of both wondered if their lives would have been less successful without their other half.

The molding of a soul is a subtle thing. It's the way Iwaizumi started walking on the brunette's right side on the off chance his knee issue ever got worse. Now it was simply the place you could find the raven. The way Oikawa started standing straighter in high school as a way to irritate the raven and after a while, he realized that he liked being tall and confident.

Iwaizumi made him feel invincible and Oikawa made him feel the same.

So it was hard to accept the fact that neither one of them was perfect. Being set on opposite sides of the world was a challenge neither of them were prepared for and no one was able to help with.

Oikawa had thought he had found something to help when he got himself black out drunk and fell into the arms of someone else, thousands of miles from his partner. In the moment he felt whole again, desperately clinging to the part of himself he thought he had discovered at the bottom of a bottle and under his sheets.

In the morning when he woke up it wasn't the alcohol that made him puke his guts out. It was the disgust with himself. Oikawa wished he could blame the other person, it would have made it easier to live with himself, but deep down, he knew it wasn't their fault. It was his.

So Oikawa had no choice but to pick up the phone and call his best friend. Iwaizumi deserved to know what kind of person his partner was. He deserved to make the choice about whether he would keep him in his life.

It started with a raspy and small:

"Hajime."

The second Iwaizumi heard his name like that, his heart fell into his stomach. When Oikawa told him what had happened, of course Iwaizumi was angry. He was so angry he almost didn't hear the way Oikawa sobbed out his endless apologies. He had hung up before Oikawa was finished explaining what happened. Iwaizumi didn't want to hear it, didn't want to imagine someone else holding Oikawa the same way he had for years.

The tears fell on his hands in his lap before Iwaizumi even realized he was crying.

The anger didn't last forever. It gave way to sadness almost immediately and Oikawa let the raven have his space. Let Iwaizumi come to him when he was ready to hear the rest of his story. He let Iwaizumi decide if he deserved the forgiveness.

It took a lot of mistakes for both of them to open up and talk honestly about what it was they wanted. But it was worth it. The trips to each other grew more frequent and they allowed themselves space to mess up and be human without fear of the other shutting him out.

This relationship the two of them built was something other people had to work for their whole lives. They were exceptionally lucky they met when they were kids and had so much history before they even realized how much it meant.

And when Oikawa finally got old enough to retire, he let go. He let go of one of his childhood joys and turned to the only thing to ever make him even half as happy as volleyball did. Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi was over the moon when Oikawa sat him down and told him he was leaving professional volleyball behind. It wasn't for the raven, because Oikawa knew Iwaizumi would never want him to give up on something just to make him happy. His step down from being a professional athlete was for no one but himself.

Oikawa had made a deal with himself that he had never told anyone about. Not even Iwaizumi. Especially not Iwaizumi. It was the one thing the raven never knew about his best friend.

Oikawa had promised himself to give the best of his youth to being an athlete. To push himself as far into the world of volleyball as he could. He would fight, tooth and nail to be the best he could be while his body was still capable of pushing past its limits.

And when it was over, when his body and soul had nothing left to give to the sport that had filled him with such determination and purpose, Oikawa would come home. He would come home and give the rest of his years to Iwaizumi. Where completed sets and successful spikes had filled him with an indescribable joy, Oikawa would fill his days with his best friend's love.

It was more than a fair trade, Oikawa thought. He had been eighteen, looking down on his desk at all the offers from small time national volleyball teams and madly, dizzyingly, in love with his best friend who he still couldn't believe loved him back. Oikawa ran a finger over the offers and decided he wanted more than what his own country had to offer. He could go so much further without them.

A nagging voice in the back of his mind reminded him that without Japan, he had no more Iwaizumi and without Iwaizumi, he was only half as good as he could be.

Oikawa clenched his hands on his desk, crumpling up some of the papers in the process as he shook his head. No, he would have them both, in time. Oikawa could have both, his life would be filled with everything he was meant to have. Love, purpose, happiness. It could all be his. He just had to take it one thing at a time and not let one of his loves go while he was fighting for the other.

And so he told Iwaizumi the decision he had made all those years ago when he was in his childhood room, surrounded by letters for his future and their life together. He had set the raven down and spoke through a face splitting grin.

"Hajime."

And now, decades after Oikawa told him he was the only thing to ever give his life purpose outside of volleyball, Iwaizumi lay in bed and realized just how many things had began with that one word. "Hajime," was the start of so many things for him. The start of temptation, the start of frustration, the start of heartache, the start of a lifetime's worth of joy. To Iwaizumi, nothing ever truly started for him until Oikawa brought it into existence.

It seemed only right that this was how it ended too. Full circle kind of deal.

And truth be told, Iwaizumi wouldn't have it any other way.

Oikawa shifted beside him, waking, and blinking in the harsh light of the sun. When he saw his husband's emerald green eyes already open and staring at him, the brunette grinned sleepily and placed a soft kiss on his cheek.

Iwaizumi smiled up at him. It had been a long time since he had been able to talk, but when you had been with someone all your life, words were simply a luxury anyways. He had nothing left to say that Oikawa hadn't already heard and knew with every ounce of his soul.

Oikawa smiled back down at the love of his life. The doctors told them both it was almost time to say goodbye, but they didn't do that. They never said goodbye. They didn't say goodbye when they were ten and their mothers told them they needed to say goodbye and come back to their own houses. They didn't say goodbye when their planes were boarding and they wouldn't see each other again for months.

There were never any goodbyes when they were never truly separated.

So when Iwaizumi's breathing became too much for his lungs to handle and his heartbeat grew too slow for his body. Oikawa didn't cry. He didn't scream or cause a scene. He promised himself to send Iwaizumi off with all the grace and dignity a man like that deserved.

His partner. His love. His best friend. His Iwa-chan.

Oikawa sniffled and smiled one last time before leaning down and cradling his best friend's head to whispered in his ear the only thing Iwaizumi would never tire of hearing.

"Hajime."

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, fuck. I hate myself so much. I hurt so much. I'm fucking bawling my eyes out. If this hurt to read I just want you guys to take comfort in the fact that this hurt so much more to write.
> 
> I am nothing but pain.
> 
> I had to get this off my chest so I could finish my other work. I got people who actually already like that one and I'm wasting my time trying to make myself cry? I'm sure I've got things wrong with me.
> 
> But thanks for reading, I'm actually not that great at writing feelings, but I so desperately want to be. Let me know if I succeeded, or failed haha.
> 
> I'm sorry for any discomfort this one-shot has caused *awkward finger guns*


End file.
